What Had She Done?
by Because It's Wrong
Summary: If Spike died, what would Buffy think? Read to find out my POV on the subject. My first Buffy fic, so be nice. Please R/R.
1. Why?

She lay awake in bed, curled into a fetal position. It felt like her heart had been ripped out and repeatedly smashed with a hammer. He was dead. There was no way to bring him back. He had made her feel alive, and now, because of her, he was dead. Just dust in the wind. She played over and over in her head the scene that will haunt her for the rest of her days, and she now hoped there weren't that many of those days left.   
Maybe she could have done something different. Maybe if she was there sooner. Maybe if her hand had grabbed his killers wrist quicker. His killer. She had befriended him, not knowing he was plotting to kill her love. Love. She had loved him for so long, but never told him. Never came to realize it until recently. And he never new. He had loved her. He had loved her more than anyone else had. And she just used him. Used him as a sex slave. For so long, that's all he was to her. A good screw when she was down. Now what was he?   
Just because he was dead, she realizes it now? How could she not have seen it before. She had done so much for him recently. Made him almost human, making him get a soul. His soul had made him seem a man. Not the creature she once thought he was. No longer a monster, but a man. Just recently, she had no longer thought of him as a vial creature that which she could just have sex with him for hours on end whenever she wanted. She knew he would do it every time. Because he loved her. She was the monster for using him like that.  
He died not knowing. He died thinking she never loved him. She remembered the way his eyes looked before he burst into a pile of dust. He had looked at her with disappointment. She had let this happen to him. She didn't stop the vengeful man who plunged the stake into his un-beating heart. It could have been her who had killed him, there would have made no difference. So now she lay there, with that look in his blue eyes implanted permanently in her damaged mind. How was she to function now. She couldn't. She felt the need to suffer, since she had made him so suffer for so long. She didn't deserve to live. 


	2. Dreams

"Why did it have to end up this way?" she thought. The one person who truly understood and loved her was now dead. And by her own stupid actions. She went down in the kitchen to get some sleeping pills. She looked down at the blue pills in her hand, and with hesitation, choked them down. "I don't know if I'll ever be able to sleep." she ponder out loud. But she went upstairs in her room, plopped down on her bed, and did sleep. But she did not sleep sound.  
  
She awoke with the feeling of cold cement beneath her and a cold body next to her. She sat up quickly, finally realizing where she was. His crypt. She realized she was completely naked, so she covered herself. Shifting the blanket to do so, she realized the cold body next to her was also naked. He stirred as she tried to get off of the floor without waking her up. Then she felt a strong hand grab her arm.   
  
"Where do you think you're going?" He said. She winced, his grip getting stronger by the second.  
  
"I have to get back, it's daylight."   
  
"I know it is." He responded. She turned around, surprised to see he was vamped out. He smiled and licked his lips. She screamed, but to her shock, he put his hand over her mouth. Her eyes widened, he lunged. But he did not lunge at her. He ran past her, and went over to a figure standing against the wall. The figure was a tall, handsome black man, with a smirk on his face. As he ran toward the man, she relaized who he was.  
  
"Oh God..." She whispered. The creature she had been sleeping with went for the black man's neck. But as he got there, the man lunged something into the creature's heart. He turned around, eyes wide.   
  
"How could you--" He was cut off, bursting into cinder and ash.  
  
She awoke covered in sweat and tears. She knew she shouldn't have tried to sleep. She needed to get rid of the root cause of her nightmares. The handsome man. He was going to pay. 


	3. Salvation

She held her scythe with a vice-like grip as she stomped quickly down the barren streets of Sunnydale. "Soon," she thought "he will feel the pain I'm feeling for doing this. His blood will be on my hands soon." Then she stopped dead. What was she thinking? She was a slayer of vampires and demons, not humans. She couldn't do this to him. Then another thought came to her. "I will be alone forever." She walked even faster than before.  
  
As she approached the apartment, she hid her weapon behind her back. Ringing the bell, she smiled. "An eye for an eye." She pondered out loud. He answered the door.   
  
"Oh, hey. Come on in." He said as he gestured towards the inside of his apartment. She slowly walked in, making sure to conceal her scythe.   
  
"What's up?" He asked casually.   
  
"Oh nothing." she said. "Just...This!" She quickly drew the weapon out from behind her back and aimed for the side of his neck, the right spot for beheading. But, to her shock, he grabbed her arm, then her neck, and pinned her to the wall.   
  
"I knew it would come to this. I killed your boy toy didn't I? You thought I didn't know? Please. He killed my mother. You of all people should understand that he should have died." She glared at him. And with her free arm, slapped him across the face, he let go of her, taking the scythe in the process. "You bitch!"  
  
"Shut up!" She demanded, kicking the weapon from his arm. She did a somersault, grabbed it, and stood in fighting stance, staring at her love's killer. "I loved him more than your pathetic self could ever imagine. And you ruined that. You took all that away from me." She haulked a lugey at his face. "Now you will pay." She went to slash at his throat, but again, he grabbed her arm.   
  
But only this time, without hesitation, he grabbed the scythe from her hand, and sent a deep gash across her abdomen. She began to bleed profusely. She clutched her stomach, falling to her knees. She looked up only to see that he had a look of horror on his face. Or maybe it was shock at what he had done. But she couldn't tell the difference. She was dying. And soon... she did.   
  
****  
  
She awoke with a bright light in her eyes. She knew she was dead, so where had she gone? She sat up, only to see that she was in his crypt. A place she had visited many times before when she was lonely. She was about to cry, thinking this was her hell, her own memories, but she stopped when she heard something behind her. She turned quickly, and gasped.  
  
"Hello, love." He stood a mere few feet from her. Smiling his bright white smile. "How ya been?" She stood, still in shock at seeing him. Her love.  
  
"But you're dead."  
  
"Yes, and so are you. I'm not really sure what this place is," he saids looking around. "But it's not bad. I always did like my home." She couldn't believe her eyes. She had never been more happy to see him in her entire existance. She ran up to him, wrapping her arms around him, kissing him passionately. He pulled away smirking, "Happy to see me?"   
  
She realized right then that she was probably in heaven. But why was he in heaven? He had killed so many... yet he had found salvation. She pondered all this out loud. When she was finished, she professed her love to him. All the feelings she had felt over the past year. When she was finished, he just stared at her.   
  
"I think I know why we're here." He said, still in shock over her admittance to him. She looked back at him with wide eyes, waiting for the answer. "I hate to sound corny sweetbreads, but true love. Simple as that. Our feelings for eachother, made us pure. I may be wrong. Hey, I'm just a bloke who's been around, but it's a pretty firm guess." She nodded in agreement. Then they simply sat in silence. It seemed like hours until she spoke up.  
  
"Hold me." she said, barely a whisper.  
  
"What?" He said, afraid he heard her wrong. She looked up at him, staring into his blue eyes. She spoke again, only this time louder.  
  
"I want you to hold me. Forever. Please, just do this... for me." She moved forward, closer into his strong muscular arms. He embraced her with all the love he had. She wept in his arms. She wept with joy. She was going to be held by her true love. For all eternity. 


End file.
